The Killing Joke

Arty Smokes (deaf mute) on Tue, 6th Dec 2011 4:18 pm 



I’ve actually got to go for an ultrasound scan in May. I wonder if the doctors will be able to tell the sex of the baby.
(Actually, it’s to check the health of my fucked-up liver and kidneys).

kyz on Tue, 6th Dec 2011 4:53 pm 



I remember David O’Doherty telling this joke at the 2004 Fringe. Here, have some more jokes from then:

Dodo died, Dodi died, Di died, Dando died… Surely Dido’s looking a bit worried?
- Colin & Fergus

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhampton when I was two, ’cause they wanted me to sound like a twat.
- Susan Murray

My parents are from Glasgow which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child… well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.
- Susan Murray

Is it fair to say that there’d be less litter in Britain if blind people were given pointed sticks?
- Adam Bloom

I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say something funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school.
- Ahmed Ahmed

An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an Egyptian princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet.
- Ahmed Ahmed

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but we won’t get much done."
- Jimmy Carr

My dad’s dying wish was to have his family around him. I can’t help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
- Jimmy Carr

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
- Jimmy Carr

We have our own local version of Big Brother round my way. It’s called jail.
- Colin Ramone

I joined a dating agency and went out on a load of dates that didn’t work out. And I went back to the woman who ran the agency and said: "Have you not got somebody on your books who doesn’t care about how I look or what job I have and has a nice big pair of boobs?" And she checked on her computer and said: "Actually, we have one, but unfortunately, it’s you."
- Karl Spain

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
- Marcus Brigstocke

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
- Patrick Monahan

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on its hind legs. You know it’s wrong, but you try to convince yourself that they’re enjoying it as well.
- Scott Capurro

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and punched someone in the face.
- Jeremy Limb, Paul Litchfield and Dan Mersh

My friend said to me: "You must be more American," so I went to have Botox. The surgeon said to me: "That’s $8,000." I couldn’t even look shocked.
- Shazia Mirza

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
- Mark Watson & Rhod Gilbert

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the girl out of Cork…
- Markus Birdman

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
- Demetri Martin

lorac's on Tue, 6th Dec 2011 5:12 pm 



Maybe you will be pleasantly surprised! We need to grow spare parts, I mean, really!!

Shelouise on Tue, 6th Dec 2011 5:48 pm 



Hope that the u/s people share their cool with you.
The joke I erceived via text recently was,
"What do you get when you cross PMS with GPS?
A crazy bitch who can find you anywhere."

Joel Jefferies. on Tue, 6th Dec 2011 6:24 pm 



Speaking of Liver and Kidneys……Lovely with mashed Maris Pipers, red wine gravy and cracked black pepper! )

david∆richardson on Tue, 6th Dec 2011 7:18 pm 



hahaha brilliant will send that to my dr mate

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